What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize