My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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