at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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