Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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