Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
