I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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