I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it because I queefed?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize