we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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