I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
