It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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