thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
