It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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