my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize