I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
