farters have to be the big spoon...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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