According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
do herpes really smell.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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