I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
