i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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