I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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