Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
