sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
