Betty ford says i'm here all night
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
