He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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