I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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