I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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