I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
