he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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