I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize