Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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