he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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