so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
