Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
