ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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