Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Randomize
