I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize