There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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