I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
