sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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