The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
