Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
