Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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