if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
