from now on my penis is your penis
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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