She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
