you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
