The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
