I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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