Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
