This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
