Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
