You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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