nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
