dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize