How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
