Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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