He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
