I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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