Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
