It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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