I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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