Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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