im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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