When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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