I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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