I heard we made out
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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