I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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