Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
