its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
