Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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