Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
