I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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