I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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