Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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