Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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