can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
