is your mom at the bar?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
