i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
