i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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