I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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